this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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