Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
