for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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