I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
