either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Randomize
