I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
as a side note pls kill me
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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