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We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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