my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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