I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I think i got beer on your cat.
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