when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
