i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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