did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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