three words: i give head
three words: not that well
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
