We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
