My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
