My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
