when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
