I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Last time i carry you out of a forest
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
