please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
