My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
