please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
