you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
