you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
