Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
