watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
