just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
