I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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