Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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