Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She's the barista slut.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
