Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So many bounce houses so little time
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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