I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
