Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
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