ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
