someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
