i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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