Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
