So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We just shotgunned beers for America
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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