i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
