My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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