what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
