just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
