You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
