theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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