do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
