Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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