Me too!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
