I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
