Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
