Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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