New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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